Enouement(s)

"Enoument: emotion in which you finally see the outcome of the future and you have the feeling of bittersweetness since you can't go back in time and tell your past self"

When I was younger, I used to spend my time thinking about what my life would be like in 5,8 even 10 years. I used to sit in my classrooms, my eyes bouncing between the time and the date on the paper in front of me. I remember looking at the clock and wondering why time was moving so slow, the world around me was moving but the clock was still. And then my eyes would wander over to the paper in front of me, the date on the top right corner staring at me, and I used to think "I wonder what I'll be doing on this day in...years". I did this up until the day in September when I watched my parents drive off. 

You see for the first 18 years of my life, I followed a very predictable schedule, I would start a new grade every September with the same classmates I had known since I was 6 years old. Every June I would be free until September came again and repeat. My only true measure that time was passing was my birthdays and the awkward phases that I would through during my early teen years. And so there I stood, in the small room that was now filled with all my belongings, alone with tears in my eyes and an unimaginable sadness looming over me. Because for the first time ever my life was no longer predictable. Instead of spending my time pondering on what my life would be like in 5,8 or 10 years, I had to start living in the moment or else I would be still, like the clock I used to watch when I was younger.

 I moved on a whim. I decided that living in a small town was not the life that I imagined for myself and so I took the first opportunity to move to the biggest city in the country. A fact to note about me is that I had never really done much on my own, before moving I had never even been to a grocery store on my own, and the little experience I had with independence was the job I had for a few months before I moved. So my decision to move to a city, was unexpected, to say the least, but it was a lifelong dream. I had a hard time adjusting, it was a lonely experience and for a while, I had considered moving back home but as the leaves began to fall from the trees, I started to find comfort in my new-found independence and the routine I had made for myself. I enjoyed my commute to school, and the peaceful walks through the city. Despite being "lost" in the city, I began to find myself. 

 Now 2 years later, I am nearing my 20th year as a completely new person. There have been a plethora of occurrences that have led me to this moment right here, right now. I cannot say they were all moments I look back on fondly but I am not someone who lives with regret. If I had a chance to go back to any point in my life, I would not do anything differently. Every choice I've made was done with pure intention and thought. I am not the same person I was a year ago, or 5 or 10 and because of this I respect all the choices I've ever made, I was simply doing the best I could with what I knew. 

Despite the bittersweetness of life, I am forever grateful for every moment, thought, decision, and choice that has brought me here today. I will forever be a better person because of it.